Vampire Diaries Voicemails
by Dbz VD rox
Summary: Ever wondered what TVD characters said on their voicemail? Read this to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Vampire Diaries Voicemails

Summary: Ever wondered what TVD characters said on their voicemail? Read this to find out!

Chapter 1

Stefan: Hello, you have reached Stefan. I can't come to the phone now because I'm either making out with my deliciously hot girlfriend Elena or I'm out in the woods hunting little woodland creatures. Please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you! -beep-

Damon: Hello you have reached 180-sexy ass vampire. I'm not answering because I'm either A) ignoring you. B) Trying to steal Stefan's girlfriend from him, or C) Killing people. If you are a hot sorority girl, then please leave your name, number, the place and area plus your address where you reside and I will get back to you momentarily. Cheers. Oh and if this is my brother or Alaric calling about another vampire attack, I didn't do it so stop calling this number and go make yourselves useful and screw a squirrel! Have a nice day. -beep-

Elena: Hi this is Elena. I'm not available to talk right now. If you are calling about some sort of animal attack, press one. If you are my loving boyfriend Stefan, then press two. If this is Damon, hang up! -beep-

Jeremy: Hi, this is depressed emo boy Jeremy. I'm not available to talk at the moment because I'm hanging out with my stoned girlfriend Vicki or I'm getting into another fight with Tyler. Please leave a message after the beep and I'll try to get back to you, that is, if I'm not too stoned or high. -beep-

Tyler: Hi this is Tyler. I'm not at the phone because my uncle Mason thought it would be appropriate to put me in anger management. I DO NOT NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASS I AM PERFECTLY FINE! *sounds of something breaking could be heard and the phone disconnected*

Caroline: Hi! This is Caroline! I'm not at the phone right now but if you are a good looking guy looking for a good rime then please leave your name, number, address, and what you would like to do on our date. Oh and if this is Damon calling, go jump off of a bridge and never call me again you -beep- *phone stopped recording message*

Jenna: Hello this is Jenna. Yes this is Jenna, that sad poor girl who got roped in taking care of two teenage delinquents. My life sucks. So if you want to make it better then please leave your name, phone number, and I'll get back to you. Now if you excuse me I have to go back and to Alaric, my amazing hot boyfriend with girlfriend issues. -beep-

Alaric: Hello this is the amazing hot boyfriend Alaric with girlfriend issues. Apparently my wife "died" but turns out she was turned into a bigger bitch then she already was. Oh well, she's out of my life now and I can focus on my new whore Jenna. Oh yeah, leave your name and number and I'll get back to you later. -beep-

Katherine: Hello, you have reached Katherine. I'm probably not answering because one, I'm out having fun with my latest meal, I'm playing games with the Salvatore brother, or two, I'm trying to figure out if leaving this message is necessary since I'm going to kill you very soon. So please tell me everything about yourself, where you live, what you look like and your address and I'll kill you later. Have a lovely day! -beep-

Bonnie: Hello, this is Bonnie. I am not able to come to the phone right now due to vampires running amuck in my town or I'm over at Elena's having a sleepover. Either that, or Damon has finally killed me. So please leave your number and I'll get back to you soon! -beep-

A/N: Haha ok this idea was completely random and came out of absolutely nowhere but I had to write it. Hoped you enjoyed and if you have any requests foe other characters to be added then please let me know! :D Reviews make me happy!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to the amazing response that you guys have given me I decided to continue with a second chapter! Please enjoy and review!

Anna: Hello you have reached Anna. I am not able to come to the phone because I'm trying to rescue my mother who is locked away in a tomb full of dead vampires. Also I'm trying to debate or not whether or not I should go out with this boy named Jeremy. He's pretty cute but there's something off with his uncle. I think he hates vampires. This could be a problem. Anyways leave your name and number and I'll get back to you. -beep-

John: Hello you have reached John. I am not available because I'm trying to rid this town of vampires and trying not to get my hand chopped off by Katherine. So leave your name and number and I'll get back to you. -beep-

Matt: Hello you have reached Matt, the whipped boyfriend of Caroline. Please leave a message and I may get back to you if I ever get away from Caroline so I can have some peace! -beep-

Damon: Due to my brother, I am forced to change my voicemail because the message is too "violet and scary" well, whatever. I really don't give a crap. Anyways, this is Damon. Leave your stupid message but only if it's important. I don't want any depression crap.I'm not a therapist! So leave your dumb message and I'll try not to rip your throat out! -beep-

A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait on such a short chapter. But I'm running out of ideas so if you have any then please tell me. :) Please review and thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

A/N: I would like to credit VictoriaAlise from twitter for giving me most of these ideas! Lol I hope you enjoy!

Damon - Hi, you've reached Mystic Fall's most eligible bachelor. If you look like Elena/Katherine and are either not a raging bitch or a backstabber or affiliated with my brother, leave your name/number. Otherwise, hang up.

Stefan - Hey it's Stefan. If you're Elena and are calling to see if I'm with Katherine again, we're over. If you're John, any of the leftover tomb vamps or any other guy who attempts to challenge my hair pouf *uses THAT voice* I will hunt you down and kill you. Have a great day.

Tyler - It's Tyler, bitch. Leave the message & GTFO off my phone. If you're Jeremy, let's have another bonding session soon, bro. We could go have a drink with the girls *voicemail prompts to finish up message quickly* #$%^&*(&^%$#$%^& I'M NOT DONE WITH MY MESSAGE, YOU - *voicemail message cuts off*

Jenna - Er. . *dazed voice* Er, not sure how to set the message up . . if this is Elena, please leave a message on how to set up my voicemail. Oh wait, okay. . . er. . Leave your message?

Jeremy - Hi. It's VampJer, the Vamp Turned Slaya. Wait, what? No. . Damnnit. I wasn't planning to come out so soon. *swears*

Alaric - Thank you for calling ATVS. If you need a vampire staked, plain and simple, please press one. If you prefer the badass route and want to go with me to brassknuckle one of those m#$%^&*ers, press 2. *lowered voice* If you're calling to order the purple pants, please press 3.

Katherine: *starts rapping* Hey it's this bad ass mother fucker and I'm here to say, all you other vampires better stay out of my way! I'll burn you, torture you, and beat you black and blue! Because nobody messes with this bad ass mother fucker! That's me fool! -beep-

Liz: Hi this is the chief of police who has horrible parenting skills. If you are calling about vampires, press one. If you are Damon Salvatore, press two. And if this is my gay husband, hang up and go back to screwing your boyfriend!

Elena: Hi, this is Elena. Please leave your name and number after the beep. Thank you.

Damon: What kind of voicemail is THAT?

Elena: A voicemail that is not crazy or stupid like yours are!

Damon: Haha, now gimme that! *snatches phone from her*

Elena: DAMON!

Damon: *imitates Elena's voice* hi, this is Elena. I'm not available right now because I'm screwing the more hotter, attractive, Salvatore brother aka Damon Salvatore. So if he doesn't keep me chained to the bed by handcuffs for long then I may get back to you. And if I don't, know that you just wasted 5 minutes of your life listening to this and leaving a message if you are stupid enough. Have a nice day!

Elena: Damon, you better run-

Damon: Now that we have that out of the way, let's go make that little sex story a reality.

Elena: *slaps Damon hard across the face and walks away*

Damon: Women, they are never satisfied.

Mr. Tanner: Hi, this is the badass history teacher who everybody hates because I'm such a dick in class so one day that stupid boy named Damon Salvatore ripped my throat out and now I'm dead. I am currently in heaven watching in horror as my class is being taken over by a madman who believes in vampires. What has this world come to nowadays? Oh, anyways, if you are not a dumb student from Mystic Falls High who couldn't pay attention in history class even if their life depended on it, please leave a message and I'll get back to you soon.

Isobel: Hi this is Elena's Mommy. Please leave your name and number after the beep. I might get back to you if I'm not having sex with John Gilbert or screwing Damon over with the vampire device that Katherine wants so bad. Ta ta and have a great day!

Hi, it's Bonnie. I'm a witch! I can't come to the phone right now because I'm a Witch I will try to get back to you later. Maybe. Maybe not. By the way, I'm a witch.

A/N: Hoped you guys enjoyed this chapter! More to come:) If you have any ideas on a voicemail then please leave your review after this message. Thank you :D


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